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Everything I ever wanted: iPod Touch

When someone pulls out their iPhone, I think: SUCKER! My little iPod Touch does nearly everything an iPhone does, with one important added benefit: Nobody can phone me on it.

I hate the telephone. You hate the telephone. We are all lucky enough to live in a world where most of the time we no longer need the telephone. So why are people paying at least $60 every month (more likely $90 or $150) for their iPhone plans when all you need is your handy-dandy iPod Touch and a friendly wifi connection to access to nearly everything the intertubes can deliver. For free.

In all the iPhone 4 and iPad madness, nobody seems to realize that the iPod Touch does almost the same job.

I love this gadget like I’ve never loved a rectangular object before. Sure, I’d love an iPhone too, but only if Daddy Warbucks was paying the bill. If I had to pay for an iPhone connection plan myself, I’d resent the hell out of the damn thing. And sure, I’d love an iPad, but the current form factor is too big to comfortably haul around in my purse every day.

Six reasons why I adore my iPod Touch:

1. It doesn’t get more portable than this. Recently I was away from civilization for a week, and when I returned to the real world, all I needed was a chair, a cup of coffee from Zeitgeist, and their free wifi to catch up on 150 email messages, report my return to the world of the living, and check Twitter. I didn’t need to strap my hulking laptop to my back and haul it around all week like an underpaid Sherpa.

2. I don’t need to turn on my laptop. At home, I can leave my laptop off until I really need it. To check my email or do any little thing online, the iPod Touch is all I need. It saves wear and tear on the laptop, and I can do it from the couch, tub, toilet, hanging from the ceiling like a bat, wherever!

3. Midnight fact checking. In our house, bedtime brings etymological and fact checking emergencies. Where does the word cute come from? How do you mine talc? Previously, we’d either have to get up to pursue these important factoids or choose to go to sleep in ignorance. Now, we just grab our iPod Touches.

4. Touch screen is sex. I could spend all day just caressing the touch screen. I don’t understand why some people prefer Blackberrys when a touch screen is just so damn sensual. And Twitter really is the killer app for scrolling up and down on a touch screen. I loved Twitter before, but now I can’t live without it.

5. It’s stealthy. Nobody can tell the difference between an iPod Touch and an iPhone unless they know to look for the holes. Want to look like the phone company’s bitch?Whip it out. Have to talk to your imaginary friend? Hold it to your ear and blab away. Got a status-conscious teenager bugging your for an iPhone? Buy them an iTouch and they won’t figure it out for months.

6. Cheap! Have I emphasized enough that there’s no damn monthly bill? You do realize it’s the monthly tithe they want out of you, right? Bloodsuckers.

Okay, the one thing the monthly bill gives you is connection. Without wifi, well, you can still play Plants vs. Zombies while listening to your awesome tunes. But does it matter? If you’re in civilization, free wifi is nearly always findable. And if you’re not in civilization, then you’d probably better watch your back.

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Kelly snacks like a princess.

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14 Responses to “Everything I ever wanted: iPod Touch”

  1. kormantic says:

    Although you speak wisely, having a phone plan is handy, yo. For when you’re lost on the road, for looking up movie times and for playing Words With Friends on the bus!

  2. You are hilarious and completely right.

  3. Cedric says:

    I agree that the ipod touch is a great device, however I think the iphone still is better, not because of the phone, but because of the 3G connection. Plenty of questions pop into my head when I’m just walking down the street, and then I would have to either go looking for a wifi hotspot or slowly go insane!
    Plus here in Belgium the iPhone is sold unlocked, so I just pay for my data and use a prepayed card, rarely spend over 10€ per month

    ps. How did I get here? I’m supposed to be working!

    • matt says:

      Working is for suckers! Also, I don’t actually know how much money a € is, but seriously, sign me up for Belgium.

    • Kelly says:

      10 euros is reasonable! I’d pay that without thinking. In Canada and the US we pay at least five times that.

      • Cedric says:

        Over here it’s illegal to combine 2 things when selling (“koppelverkoop” in dutch, it’s kinda hard to translate, google translate agrees with me on that)
        unless they logically fit together, so you can bundle 2 ping pong paddles with a ping pong ball, because they fit together. It’s a strange law, because where do you draw the line? Apparantly selling a phone with a contract is taking the concept too far. It’s a law to promote transparency and to counter the bundling of useless crap, but it doesn’t always work. Also, I think some European court recently overruled that law, so maybe we’ll start seeing phones with contracts soon.

        Wow. This comment really isn’t going anywhere. Sorry!

        I love this site though, I bookmarked it, and I only have 8 bookmarks, so they’re kind of like awards. Is it possible to submit reviews which, after a long and brutal (but fair) selection process could be published?

  4. Caryn says:

    I had a Touch for a while, but where I go there’s no WiFi so I was forced (forced, I tell you) to get the iPhone. But I don’t pay for call display or voicemail or anything much but a BIG dataplan. I want to know NOW. (Very impatient person when it comes to information.)

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