The crack cocaine of tabletop gaming
Yeah, that's Aquaman. And he will fucking BREAK YOU.
I first purchased the old-school Heroclix starter set sometime around 2003 as a gift for my friend Simon. You know how you buy gifts for your friends that are secretly for yourself? Because you get the credit for giving it, but also a new toy that you can play with too? Am I the only one who does this? Anyway, the important thing to understand here is that I was in my early thirties and I think Simon was turning eleven.
We both friggin’ LOVED it.
Heroclix is sort of like playing chess with superheroes. Each figure has a dial on its base with numbers representing attack, defense and speed, plus colors that denote various special powers. When one of them gets hit, you twist the dial to represent dammage, and your character gets weaker (unless its the Hulk, of course, in which case you’ve only managed to piss him off). It’s also like playing chess if each chess piece had decades of convoluted comic book back story. So your friend would be all like, “who’s this guy?” And you’d be like, “Sasquatch? He was a Canadian scientist trying to duplicate the experiments that created the Hulk, and became this big orange hairy dude. But then it turned out he had actually opened some kind of gate to the spirit world or something? And was inhabited by the spirit of a real sasquatch? Oh, and then he died, and the rest of Alpha Flight went to hell to save him, and his soul was transferred into the body of a girl who could turn into any Canadian animal, because she had turned into a sasquatch. But then whenever he turned back into a human, he was a chick.”
After this important lesson about science, Canada and gender identity, your friend would use Sasquatch to hit your Professor X piece with a telephone pole, knocking him out of the game and scoring 83 points.
The other thing to understand about Heroclix is that it’s one of those collectible games. This means that the pieces are sold in sealed boxes, and when you buy a booster pack you don’t know which ones you’re getting. Really want that awesome new figure with Lex Luthor and Brainiac on the same base? Keep buying! You’ll get it eventually. Oh sure, you can play the game with just the figures in your starter set as many times as you like. Certainly once you’ve added a few boosters you have all the gameplay variety you really need. The problem comes if you just have to try building a team using only members of Chris Claremont’s 1986 X-men roster. I have to tell you that for a stretch of time a few years back I had what was probably a $40 or $50 a week Heroclix habit. They just kept putting new figures out, too. My giant tackle box quickly filled up with little plastic superheroes, and I had to reorganize them into a series of color-coded containers. I kid you not, one of them was labeled “blades, fangs and claws.” Simon and his brother Oscar (their parents, too) eventually moved to Maine, and after that I didn’t get the chance to play so much. I decided to quit cold turkey, which was probably a good thing for me overall, though from time to time I still miss it.
The Heroclix brand has been though a lot over the years. It was originally produced by Seattle company WizKids, who were bought out by the trading card giant Topps. This led to some weird cross-brand synergy attempts (a baseball-themed game called Sports Clix? Some kind of constructible Nascar game?), and Topps eventually dumped the whole line. Fortunately for fans, though, last year a company called NECA acquired the rights and began releasing new figures again. The game rules have been tweaked over the years as well, although I have to admit I’m not really caught up on all that.
I got the chance to hang out with Heroclix sculptor Ben Misenar when we sat next to each other at a “Homegrown Heroes” signing in Tacoma recently. Super nice guy. He did his best to explain the story behind the Yellow and Blue and Red Lantern figures packaged with the traditional Green one in the “Blackest Night” set he had designed. He also told me about the new Watchmen deluxe collector’s set that was about to be released. Watchmen? As heroclix? Aw, man.
Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in.
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At least you have Iron Man as your starter kit! Thanks to your sis!
I know, right? It’s signed by the sculptor, too. Plus, all the Heroclix sets are compatible, so I can finally find out who would win in a fight, Rorschach or Iron Man (spoiler alert: Iron Man).
I believe Rorschach would win against anyone. Anyone. He’s the ultimate last man standing.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. Walter Kovacs would kick Tony Stark’s ass any day of the week. With the armor, though, he’s just plain outmatched. Rorschach is a splotch of bloody snow inside of three minutes.
When Iron Man showed up, Rorschach would disappear and then slaughter Tony in his sleep the next evening.
Aren’t we supposed to be having this conversation with beers in our hands?
Just the other day we were arguing about which Alpha Flight character had been turned female! Now the answer is in the palm of my hand.
They had the first openly gay marvel superhero, too. I guess they figured that progressive gender politics would play better if they kept them north of the border?
Right! I had forgotten about Northstar being gay!
Heather Hudson was gay too… in my precious dreams!
I’m pretty sure there are others still in the closet as well. Seriously, how fabulous is Doctor Strange?
Good point, though he could be metrosexual. My money is on Thor.
Hulk know for sure Wolverine aggressively bisexual.
Ah, Hulk articles are never not funny.