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Dickmatized! (A love story)

In horror fandom, as in life, the whole shootin’ match hinges on your willingness to make the most of the little things and overlook all the crap.

A lot of horror films are almost completely interchangeable, or uninspired, or senseless, or cheap. They’re rife with bad performances, bad writing, bad production values. Many of them are made by people who are openly contemptuous of the genre and its fans.

So you might like a movie because all the teenaged characters are played by people in their thirties, or because the plot is batshit mental, or because its silly dialogue is very quotable, or because its kills are over the top. Maybe something happens that is so squirt-milk-out-your-ass horrifying that you say “Oh,hell no” without a trace of self-consciousness, but the movie doesn’t even acknowledge its terrible blunder.

You might get one of these things in your average lousy horror film; one thing, one aspect, one moment to justify its existence, and make you want to see it again.

In Wishcraft, you get them all.

Michael Weston (age 42) plays Brett Bumpers (yes really,) a bookish high school student whose best friends are his history teacher and the stereotypical Manic Obnoxious Guy. He’s in love with the cheerleading captain (age 14,) a beautiful moron who’s basically just using him for tutoring, but not maliciously; she just can’t imagine what else she could want from him.

By the time we meet him, he’s more or less accepted that he’s always going to be the kind of guy who gets socks and underpants for Christmas, but life isn’t done with him yet.

Life… sends him a desiccated bull penis in the mail.

(Yes really.)

And this is not a poorly-conceived prank, okay. This is not traditional Chinese medicine gone awry. This is a thoughtful, anonymous gift sent with sincerity and affection, and intended to help him to manifest change in his life in ways he never could manage on his own. There’s a note attached, see, and the note informs him that his new bull wiener will make all his dreams come true.

Well, three dreams. It’s always three with wishes, isn’t it?

He throws that bovine schlong in the trash, like most of us would if a stranger sent us a smelly old disco stick and told us to wish on it. (Some of us would call the cops, I guess. I’d force everyone I knew to look at it, to prove I wasn’t lying about it.)

But Manic Obnoxious Guy persuades Bumpers to at least try changing his life with the mystery Johnson, and, I mean, what’s Bumpers got to lose? He’s a nerd, okay? If he was a geek, at least he’d have cool toys. All he has going for him is corduroy trousers and a studious expression.

Bumpers throws caution to the wind and wishes Dumbelina would go to the Spring Fling dance with him, and what do you know? She does.

At this point, the movie still seems like one of those wacky supernatural sex comedies from the eighties, like Zapped or My Demon Lover, but at the same time Bumpers is making merry with his fabulous wonder cock, his idiot classmates are getting Slap-Chopped to death by some scary, hooded figure with a whimsical sense of humour.

The great thing about it is, Bumpers never comes under suspicion for these murders, and nor does the movie make any effort to connect his mystical dong to the shadowy killer. It’s just a thing that happens, man. It’s just filler.

Plus Dumbelina goes right back to her meathead quarterback boyfriend after the dance, leaving Bumpers with no choice at all other than to use his Satanic twig n’ berries to dickmatize her into his bed.

This is the hero of the piece, kids. You’re supposed to root for this guy. The movie tries to win you over by showing you that he feels mega-shitty about what he’s doing, but… he doesn’t stop. Not for a long-ass time.

I don’t want to give away much more of the story, because this movie is unique and entertaining and I want everyone to see it. Instead I will simply say that somebody had a lot of faith in it, because it’s obviously cost a fair bit to make, comparatively, and also it features the following luminaries of celluloid:

Tangina from Poltergeist, as the surly medical examiner.

Meat Loaf, as the cop on the edge who doesn’t play by the rules, but gets results.

Les, the sweet-tempered cheerleader from Bring it On. He plays the meathead quarterback, by the way, which is a real treat for anyone who’s seen him in Bring it On 900 times and never in anything else.

That One Dude From L.A. Confidential Who Was Revealed To Have Traded Sex For Candy Bars. He gets like one line in Wishcraft before he’s killed to death, so, yeah. He’s had kind of an unfortunate career trajectory.

Austin Pendleton, as the history teacher. He seems to be completely indiscriminate about what sort of roles he’ll take, which is big fun if you’re enough of a fan to be glad to see him but not enough to follow his career. You just never know when he’s going to turn up.

In conclusion, I promise and then I vow that Wishcraft is worth your time. Even in its smallest, quietest moments, it finds a way to hold your attention, whether it’s Bumpers’s adorable cowboy lamp, the clear implication that he could’ve had a beautiful (and mutual!) relationship with the hard-as-fuck goth waitress at the diner, or the bizarre decision to cast Michael Weston as a teenager even though he looks even older than he actually is (which was 29, for the record.)

Plus it never even occurs to him to wish for a million more wishes. I get wishing for poontang, but I don’t get that. That’s like part of the zeitgeist or some shit, isn’t it?

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Melodie Ladner lives and works in the Greater Vancouver area, and is probably eating something unhealthful out of a bag at this very moment.

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9 Responses to “Dickmatized! (A love story)”

  1. Matt says:

    Seriously, how do you even FIND these movies?

    • Melodie says:

      1. Thank god someone commented on this. I was starting to look at my bottle of Goo Gone as a viable beverage.

      2. Oh Matt. There used to be this amazing cable channel in Canada called Scream that ran all sorts of forgotten/obscure horror films, such as this one. Last year they rebranded as Dusk, which runs mostly thrillers and mysteries. I have been slow to forgive.

  2. kormantic says:

    I am sure it will be the best movie about a freeze dried bull penis I’ll see all year.

  3. Penni says:

    Sounds like a fun movie, and I really like that you have so many epithets for peen.

  4. Sold! I must see this movie!

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