The cure for the fat-bottom blues
Guys, it’s time we tackled a very sensitive subject. I realize this isn’t something we talk about in public very often, but it’s for your own good that I’m bringing this up, and you need to hear what I’m about to tell you. That’s right; it’s time we talked about your wallet.
Look, I understand the appeal of having your file cabinet with you at all times. The fact that it’s made of manly leather and has a quick access driver’s license compartment is very nice. But it’s starting to be a bit problematic. Don’t believe me? Answer the following questions:
b) 2-3 inches
c) More than 3 inches
b) Sometimes, during the holidays, I use a rubber band
c) It wouldn’t be a wallet if it didn’t have a fat blue band around it
b) In my wallet, of course
c) Right here with…let’s see… thirty other ticket stubs.
If you answered b or c on more than one of these questions, you have a problem. Fat Wallet Syndrome (FWS) is very real, and affects millions of Americans. Symptoms include having one side of your posterior look huge and lumpy, an inability to just throw receipts away, and the possession of at least two discontinued credit cards at all times.
Fortunately, there is help.
The Jimi is an entirely new kind of wallet. Made entirely of recycled plastic, the Jimi is an instant cure for FWS. You can hold five (5) cards and three(3) dollar bills. Any more than that and the Jimi won’t close. All those receipts? Gone. That huge lump on your tush? Gone. The Jimi is far more comfortable in a front pocket, and is only 9/16” thick. Suddenly your life is yours again.
I too once suffered FWS. My wife worried about me, and did her best to make sure I always wore long coats, but in the end I had to decide to help myself. After some soul searching, and some Google searching, I plonked down my $14.95 and in a few days I had a small plastic miracle in my hand.
I won’t lie to you, it was hard at first. My expired Barnes & Noble membership card had to go. The receipt for a candy bar I ate three years earlier was suddenly abandoned, left to mourn out its days in the recycling bin. But I did it: I narrowed my wallet down to the five card max. After a few days I discovered something: I was free. I didn’t have to think, “Should I keep this coupon for fifty cents off admission to a terrible modern art show?” because I knew it wouldn’t fit in my wallet. Receipts can now be joyfully tossed away; all my transactions are recorded on my bank’s website; I don’t need to carry paper representations of them on my person as well. Instead of being restrictive I suddenly found the Jimi to be quite freeing.
The Jimi is not for everyone; there is little flex in the plastic. I accidentally exploded my second Jimi* by loading it with seven cards and four bills, then dropping it on the sidewalk. Living with the Jimi requires self-restraint and an ability to play by someone else’s rules. But those who can make the change will find the ability to get rid of stuff is a huge weight off their mind. And their backside.
You have a limited amount of time, so why spend it reading about things that suck or are only kind of okay? Favorite thing EVER is not a review site. We're unrepentant fans, and this is the stuff we love. Hope you like gushing, because we're about to embarrass ourselves.
I could never live this way, but the design is so appealing that I want to try.
GOD HELP ME, I WANT TO TRY.
I go through a “simplify, simplify” phase about once every six months, where I get rid of a bunch of stuff and clean out my hard drives and try to eat right and get more exercise. The Jimi is one of the few things that I’ve actually stuck with from one of those phases.
Incidentally, my first Jimi was that bright “Safety Orange” up top. It’s every bit as loud as it looks. Still kinda mad my dog chewed it to pieces.
Ha hah!
Men. Where do you keep your change? Your Tylenol bottle, your apples, two notebooks, twelve pens, four lipsticks, and the picture of your grandmother?
Oh, right. You don’t.
I want to live like you. I too want to be free.
Yeah, the part I didn’t say is that I have a backpack that’s got pockets inside other pockets that I use to carry my Excedrin, laptop, notebook, pens, etc. But at least I can sit on chairs!
Plus people can admire your butt without that unslightly wallet tumor!
It sounds delightful. Unfortunately, I just bought Matt a new wallet for Xmas. It’s no Jimi, but it’s a bi-fold made of manly leather, and it has a dinosaur on it? So maybe that’s okay.
Anything with a Dinosaur on it is okay
It is KIND OF THE BEST WALLET