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Talk to your kids about werewolves

Howling II – Your Sister Is a Werewolf is really something I think we can all relate to.

You’re at your sister’s funeral, bummed out as all heck, and some creepy old dude you never saw before stops you on your way out of the chapel to tell you in the gentlest possible way that your sister is a werewolf.

So you’re like, what the frig, man? And you and your wishy-washy reporter friend visit the old dude at his condo, where you’re shown a cheap videotape recording which might depict your sister transforming into a werewolf, or might depict her trippin’ balls in the costume department at your old middle school.

It’s kind of a drag either way, since she gets shot to death at the end.

Or does she!

You’re still reeling from this werewolf/drama department snuff video when the old dude whips out the Holy Titanium Knitting Needle of Discordia and gives you the heads-up that he’s planning to use it to stab your sister’s corpse through the heart tonight when she rises from the grave, as werewolves will.

You’re against this plan, so you and your wishy-washy reporter friend shag ass down to the I Love My Dead Werewolf Sister Pentecostal Church to stop him, only to somehow get in a big, stupid gunfight with Chaka Khan and her crony, Grampa Chimney Sweep, who’s so damn bad at his job that you manage to subdue him by throwing a small quantity of unraveled yarn at his bum.

To make matters worse, your sister is a werewolf–or at least she was till the old dude practically snarled “Knit one–purl you!” and staked her through the heart, which as everyone knows is the only way to kill a werewolf.

So you’re like, “Well. That sucks.”

And then you’re kind of at loose ends–maybe in between jobs, but you’re not going to admit that to a creepy old dude who murders werewolves in their sleep with found crafting supplies–so you and your wishy-washy reporter friend agree to travel to Transylvania–Werewolf Capital of the World–to help the old dude kill Stirba, HBIC of Werewolves, who’s planning to reinvigorate herself with the life force of a porn star and then take over the universe or something.

Even the old guy seems like maybe he’s not really clear on the details.

You and your wishy-washy reporter friend check in to room 666 in a hotel that only has two floors, and then you kind of look at each other and go, “You’re straight, I’m bored, let’s get it on!” and you do, and it’s, I mean, it should be hot. You basically just got your dick out and went for it, there. But she’s bland, and you’re the dude from Space Mutiny, so it’s just. It’s not working out.

Anyway.

After that, you and your wishy-washy lover meet up with the creepy old dude and his creepy old friends and also a dwarf at the Werewolves Stink Episcopal Cathedral, where the creepy old friends pass out earplugs made from holy candle wax, so werewolves can’t hypnotize you with their howls, as werewolves will.

Meantime, Stirba is totally getting it on with Chaka Khan, and also Mickey the Convict from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, but all it really looks like is a bunch of a-holes covered in Fun Fur and freaking out on inhalants, so we’re 0 for 2 on the hot n’ stinky Transylvanian werewolf-related lovin’, so far.

(Plus it’s implied that Chaka Khan is Mickey’s daughter..? I don’t want to tell Mickey and Chaka Khan how to live their lives, but having an incestuous three-way with the werewolf queen seems like a really weird dynamic.)

Anyway.

You ditch your wishy-washy lover at a seedy carnival to go infiltrate Werewolf Manor with that dwarf guy from before. He turns out to be some kind of crazy badass who takes out a bunch of guards on his own, but you barely have any time at all to patronize him over it before his holy earplugs fall out and he becomes a werewolf slave.

(Not that it matters; all he really does is lead the creepy old dude into an alcove, stab him in the arm with a nail file, and drop dead. But you loved that badass dwarf! You’re sure you would’ve gotten around to learning his name eventually, if only you’d had the chance.)

Inside the castle, Mickey and Chaka Khan have somehow captured your wishy-washy lover. They mean to transform her into a werewolf, but unfortunately for them, werewolf mythology dictates that this can only be done by anointing her with unspecified blood and then chanting to the goddess at a particular date and time, so you can go ahead and make a sandwich now if you’re feeling peckish.

Or, you know, you can gallop around, shooting and screaming at people and stabbing them with knitting needles like you want to quit your job at Michaels in the kind of way that goes viral on the internet.

Eventually, you find your wishy-washy lover and free her, and the creepy old dude has a big showdown with Stirba, and also there’s a priest who has a baby dragon explode out of his face. (He doesn’t make it.)

I mean, we’ve all been there.

Right?

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Melodie Ladner lives and works in the Greater Vancouver area, and is probably eating something unhealthful out of a bag at this very moment.

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8 Responses to “Talk to your kids about werewolves”

  1. Nate says:

    kormantic, I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to watching this movie, but I’ll definitely read this post a few more dozen times. So. Dang. Funny.

    Also, someone should alert Rifftrax. They need to cover this one. It’s right up their alley.

  2. matt says:

    CORRECTION: Of course this post was written by Melodie, not Kormantic. I attribute the initial attribution error to Kormantic’s ALL-CONSUMING JEALOUSY OF MELODIE’S MAD CHOPS.

  3. kormantic says:

    This is classic cinema. It really is just a quiet meditation on the fragile bonds between us, and how they can be rent asunder by something as trifling as lycanthropy.

  4. Nate says:

    The Wikipedia article about this movie has what may be the best sentence anywhere on the internet:

    “Ben dons a Canadian tuxedo to prepare for the battle.”

    • Melodie says:

      We call it a Texas Tuxedo up here, baby. He does don it, though, and believe me when I tell you that you can not only count the change in the pocket, but also make out its years.

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