He’ll kick you apart — ooh!
Just thought I’d warn everybody in advance: this is going to be a weird one.
I have a thing for U.S. presidential history. I can’t really explain it. And as far as pimping out this affection to others, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. For starters, the concept of viewing history through the lens of Important Dead White Guys is passé for a reason. Also, I have absolutely no interest in bringing any discussion of politics to the table here. But what fascinates me are the personal stories that creep up, hiding behind all the tedious names and dates.
Some of my all-time favorites, for example, come from former Vice Presidents who received sudden field promotions while in office. John Tyler (the “Tyler too” portion of William Henry Harrison’s “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too” bill) reacted to the nation’s first such incident by refusing to open any mail addressed to “Acting President Tyler,” and by immediately firing his entire cabinet when they tried to put constraints on his power. He would eventually burn through 22 members of the 6-person cabinet and attempt to run as an independent when his own party adopted “Anyone But Tyler” as their motto in the following election. And then there was Chester Arthur — literally selected as VP nominee to appease the pro-corruption wing of the Republican party — who shocked the nation by basically being a competent and boring administrator after James Garfield’s assassination.
I could point you to some books I enjoyed, like David McCullough’s John Adams, or Edmund Morris’s two volume Teddy Roosevelt bio. Particularly the first book, since Roosevelt’s early life is especially fascinating — we’re talking about a dude who more or less singlehandedly engineered a war with Cuba so he could quit his job as undersecretary of the Navy and personally invade it on horseback. There’s also a really cool illustrated presidential roundup somebody gave me as a gift years ago. And these goofy, delightful presidential flash card things with big portraits on the tops that I swear I am going to utilize for a puppet show one day. But this stuff isn’t for everyone. In fact, if you don’t already harbor an interest in the subject, I’d advise you to stay very, very far away.
So, in preparation for this post, I really tried hard to come up with the one piece of presidential miscellany that has brought me the most joy over the years. Something that I can truly, without reservations, share with the world. And I tell you now that it is the following (nsfw) YouTube video about George Washington. This is my very favorite thing on the internet, you guys — I keep a copy downloaded on my phone in case of GEORGE WASHINGTON EMERGENCIES. The song from it is pretty much constantly stuck in my head, and just about every single line is a personal catchphrase. I could go on about the video’s brilliance, but since it’s only a couple of minutes long I will instead share it with you in its entirety.
You’re welcome.
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He has a wig for his wig and a brain for a heart!
Oh, presidents, with your bowling alleys and your weird pets…
Nixon put that bowling alley in the White House, and it remained there until Obama replaced it with a basketball court (or at least said he was going to, WHERE IS YOUR FOLLOW-THROUGH MR. PRESIDENT).
And these days most presidents have a boring dog or a cat, but back in the day they went all out — JQA had an alligator, Buchanan had an elephant and Teddy Roosevelt had pretty much an entire zoo.
Obama needs a freaking unicorn. Get that man a unicorn, stat.
And a chupacabra!
The sons of his opponents wish that he was their dad!
AHAHAHAHAH
Best thing ever. Ever.
If they were his British opponents’ sons he still would not save them.
ALSO
I heard that motherfucker had like thirty goddamn dicks.