Every little boy needs a girl
Scanners 2 is the story of David Kellum, veterinary student and hockey-haired farm boy, just trying to make his way in the hustle and the bustle of the Big City. (They never say which city, but since he’s from Vermont I’ve defaulted to New York, even though the movie was shot in Montreal.)
He’s been suffering from terrible migraines since he came to town, but it’s not the end of the world; when one of them strikes during a surgery demonstration and he bolts from the room to avoid ralphing on a ferret or whatever, his display somehow attracts Alice “Like the Artist!” Leonardo, one of his classmates.
She impresses him with her saucy banter. He impresses her by healing a puppy’s canine encephalitis with snuggles.
Ha ha, just kidding, it only looks that way. Actually he does it with his Mind Powers, which he’s also used to skate through school all his life.
They’re basically the Swiss Army knife of mutant abilities, is what I’m saying.
When David and Alice walk into a convenience store robbery later on, he uses them to make one of the thieves’ heads asplode. Then he uses them to administer Sexual Healing to Alice when she’s in hospital, recuperating from the beating she suffered during the robbery.
Now, if you or I reviewed the security footage from that head asplosion, all we’d notice (besides the asplosion, I mean) is some dude with floofy hair and a Cosby sweater doing a really terrible Incredible Hulk impression at basically the least appropriate time. But that’s because we’re not switched on, man.
When some guy from the Shadow Government sees it (because guys from the Shadow Government have nothing better to do all day than review CCTV from convenience stores) he’s like, “Holy shitballs! A virgin mind!”
(NB: he doesn’t really say “Holy shitballs!” He does really say “A virgin mind!” So you can probably guess why Scanners got David Cronenberg and Scanners 2 got… Christian Duguay.)
It’s a big deal because all the Scanners in his private collection are totally borked from the miracle drug that was developed to help them control their abilities. (Don’t ask me why he doesn’t just kill them; they’re all off the grid, and they can’t be more than a budgetary headache to a guy like him.)
He’s so desperate for new talent that he’s been on the prowl for every Mind Powery Tool, Douche and Hobag he can get his hands on, including Drak: a psychotic Anthony Kiedis wannabe who uses his own Mind Powers to cheat at Donkey Kong and win a gunfight at a mannequin factory.
(Like you wouldn’t do the same. Puppies with canine encephalitis don’t grow on trees.)
Shadow Government Gary wants his day in the sun, is the thing, and what with his being the Shadow Government type and all, people aren’t exactly falling all over themselves to give him Regular Government opportunities. With no more respectable options available to him, he’s had to fall back on the only thing he knows:
Shady Doings.
Fortunately for him, David turns out to be a much more malleable prospect than crazy, flirty Drak. (Yes, flirty. The guy whiles away his every scene with David by calling him “pretty boy” and vowing to Mind Powers his way inside him and go at him hard. That’s not subtext, man. That’s just text.)
First Shadow Government Gary appeals to David’s sense of justice by using him to solve a string of milk-related child murders, and then, he drags him to some ho-hum political function and smooth-talks him into Mind Powering the Mayor into giving Shadow Government Gary a job that was meant for someone else.
(Incidentally, the Milk Murderer was a disgruntled dairy employee who’d also been passed over for a promotion. Do not pass people over for promotions in Montreal. Just do not ever do that. And don’t be deceived by Bonhomme’s congenial appearance, either. You don’t want to know what happened when he was passed over for that Michelin Man gig.)
Far, far later than he would’ve done if he’d been one of these here newfangled city boys, David finally notices that Shadow Government Gary is a megalomaniac, and also kind of a major dillhole.
Since he has specifically asked David not to wield his Mind Powers against him, the poor kid has no choice but to fuck off out of town, leaving Alice at the tender mercies of Dumb Flunky, and setting a chain of events in motion which actually kind of pales in comparison to what we learn about David’s family.
Friends, I am here to tell you that at one point in Scanners 2, a man and woman who are obviously in their eighties tell twentysomething David that they’re not his real parents, and he reels.
Reels.
Yes, this movie has it all: it’s intensely stupid, it’s larded with oddities, and it’s charmingly dated; for example, an early romantic scene between David and Alice is overshadowed dramatically by the film’s sad misuse of “Pop Goes the World.”
David is all, I dig you, and Alice is all, I dig you, and Men Without Hats are all, Every time I wonder where the world went wrong, end up lying on my face going ringy dingy ding dong.
I’ve seen Scanners 2 at least a dozen times. It’s like your friend who has all the weird problems you wouldn’t think anybody could ever have in real life, and who’s always after you to pet-sit her hamsters so they won’t go hungry when she’s got another court date.
Completely watch it.
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Man, when he cured that puppy with his MIND, I knew I’d found a new classic of cinema. Oh, Scanners II, Electric Boogaloo, never change.
I’m pretty sure that’s how you sold me on it, as well.
Is this one of those strange times I actually saw the movie first?
Yeah man, I barely even understood who David Hewlett was before you brought his wonder and majesty into my life.
I have a vivid memory of you squealing over the Mind Powers/puppy situation.
We’re watching it tonight after work! I am very excited. Given the opportunity, I would also very likely use my mind powers to cheat at Donkey Kong, fyi.
I’ll remember you said that the next time you kick my ass.
I was about to jump in here saying nu-UH, “Pop Goes The World” was by INXS or maybe Robbie Nevil. But of course, when I looked it up, turns out you’re right! I guess I was thinking of “Need You Tonight” or “C’est La Vie.”
I think that makes me the only person besides Robbie Nevil to think of “C’est La Vie” in this millennium, and that’s including Robbie Nevil’s mom.
That’s just the way it is, I guess.
That’s right.
OK, HERE ARE MY INITIAL IMPRESSIONS AFTER HAVING WATCHED THIS AMAZING MOVIE:
1) Donkey Kong is a really different game in Canada.
2) Man, that guy hates mannequins.
3) They got a lot of mileage out of how cute that puppy was. Also, my beloved family dog was TOTALLY also named “Trooper,” but it was after the Iron Maiden song, not because he survived canine encephalitis.
4) That super creepy tall, pale Scanner enforcer should have been in it more, because he was way scarier than the Anthony Kiedis guy.
5) We recently watched another old film where Dennis Quaid could enter your dreams (insert joke about me dreaming of Dennis Quaid), which was pretty much the same movie only (marginally) less cheesy, proving that Canadian 1991 is American 1984. With more exploding heads.
If they’d had any sense, Trooper would’ve been named for the iconic Canadian rock band responsible for such hits as “We’re Here for a Good Time (Not a Long Time,” “Raise a Little Hell” and “Boys in the Bright White Sportscar.”
As for your mean comment about Canadian 1991, I hasten to remind you that this was Quebecois 1991. Quebec is ashamed to be a part of Canada. You can look it up.
The car is probably stolen.
“I’ve been having terrible headaches.”
“At least you don’t have Canine Encephalitis.”
At least we don’t, man.
I encourage you to use that line to shut down your friends when they get too whingey. There is just no comeback for it.