Bad wigs, big lungs, good times!
Wigs. Heels. Excessive makeup. No, it’s not drag! It’s Cher! and Christina! And Burlesque. A movie that seems to be little more than a surprisingly good-natured and complementary vanity project starring two divas who respect each other’s work!
Here’s what I know about Christina Aguilera: she was on The Mickey Mouse Club. She sang the music in Disney’s Mulan. She sang Genie in a Bottle. She apparently forgot the words to the National Anthem. But she’s also sold a ninjillionteen records and does a lot of philanthropy, especially for shelters for battered women. Oh, and she loves burlesque. I mean, she loves it. I get the impression that she’s been waiting for her chance at Burlesque since she did the video for Lady Marmalade.
Here’s the deal: Christina has great personal magnetism. And while she may not be winning any Oscars for acting, she fucking owns the movie with sheer presence. I’m telling you, the kid’s got moxie. As Ali Rose, she basically takes over the Burlesque show in a week and a half. Give her another week and I expect nothing less than total world domination!
That is not to say that this is a good movie. It’s not. It’s trite, it’s ridiculous, and it’s weirdly unmoored from the space-time continuum. Christina’s Ali stomps around L.A. in white four-inch hooker heels, literally pounding the pavement as she circles and crosses out various auditions and gigs in a newspaper, all to an antique Marilyn Manson and Madonna soundtrack. You sort of assume it’s set in 2009, but the only touch of modern technology, and I mean the only one, is Kentucky’s cell phone (Kentucky/Jack is the Love Interest. He has a lot of guyliner and some bitchin’ cut hips). The one he uses to prove his heterosexuality by calling it off with his fiancée. (Spoiler alert: there’s a happy ending!)
In fact, there’s a refreshing lack of “gritty realism”. The storyline is almost unimaginably gentle: no daterapes, no brutal pimps, no drug overdoses. There’s not even a bad guy! Dancing burlesque for Cher is apparently practically as self-improving as yoga. (It’s totally feminist, bitches! Own your sexuality!) The meanest girl they have, Kristen Bell’s Nikki, doesn’t even try to push Christina Aguilera down the stairs or anything! Aguilera loves to perform and the Burlesque scenes (and hooray, there are so many!) are pure candy. Stanley Tucci is adorable and you get used to Cher’s plastic surgery right away; her Tess has gravitas, if not much in the way of business sense, and okay the movie wanders a bit in the middle, but seriously, Ms. Aguilera is enjoying herself and Stanley Tucci is having fun times hanging out with Cher.
In the end, it’s just a movie about a woman who wants to learn burlesque, and save a burlesque hall from bankruptcy. There’s some basically hilarious lesbian subtext (I’m pretty sure Ali wants to hook up with Coco, big time) and some tame heterosexuality, and some fantastic costumes, and a lot of girls shakin’ what their mama’s gave them.
All in all, it’s brainless popcorn cinema and not a bad way to spend an evening.
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I would also like to point out that this movie comes out on DVD, like, TODAY. We are the most topical!
It *is* wierdly timely. Considering.
Sounds delightfully bad. I must plan a girls’ movie viewing night for this one.
Get a bottle of wine. Get two. But I can’t help but think you’ll have fun!
You get used to Cher’s plastic surgery right away should’ve been used in the ad campaign. I am so serious about this.
I love Cher. Without irony. And I thought she was great in this movie. I just wish women in film were allowed to age, is all. Or feel like they’re allowed to, I guess.
Most of the dancers in this movie were sexy and all, but I actually found the dance sequences to be weirdly wholesome in their way.
IN OTHER NEWS: It looks like the commenting delay many of you have experienced today is now fixed. This happened on its own while I was trying to figure out the issue, so if it comes up again I apparently CANNOT HELP YOU.