I believe in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

If Jesus were alive today, he would write this post. Hanging out with his buds on cold winter nights, drinking brews and eating corn chips, around midnight he’d always say, “Let’s watch my movie!” And his friends would groan, but they’d always give in. Because he’s Jesus.

And he can kick their asses.

Jesus loves this movie because it is the ultimate coolest expression of Him. And I love this movie because it’s as though me and my friends borrowed $100K from our parents and spent a joyous carefree summer making the most awesome kung fu musical ever.

Jesus and I both win.

Everything about this movie (except the editing and music, which rocks) is the epitome of “B”. And not arty B, but amateurish, low quality, delicious B. Sometime around the end of the 1990s a gang of friends had one hell of a good time making it, and their joy is apparent in every frame. It’s just a blast. A heck of a fun ride with badly synchronized sound.

Here’s a taste:

Jesus: (singing) I was born in a manger / doomed to live in danger.

It’s the Third Coming, and loving, holy Jesus quickly graduates from making sandcastles on the beach to kicking butt. Vampires are preying on the lesbians of Ottawa, Ontario, skinning them and using their hides to protect themselves from the sun. Well, Jesus isn’t ain’t gonna put up with no victimizing of underdogs. He unleashes 85 glorious minutes of kung fu mojo on their sorry undead asses, saves the lesbians, and loves everyone.

Jesus picks up help in the form of Mary Magnum, an asskicking lesbian in a red vinyl jumpsuit, and the luchadore Santo Enmascarado de Plata (El Santo).

Jesus’s battlecry: (slaps chest) Body of Christ!

Right from minute one, the whole thing is a hoot, and it never loses momentum. The last five minutes are just as hilarious and terrific as the first. In the end, there is a hugely satisfying fight scene and payoffs for at least two romantic subplots.

The internets have a few differing opinions about whether or not it was a good idea to give Jesus a shave, a haircut and a costume change so early in the movie. Personally, I think it was great because Jesus is super cute with his short hair, sideburns and suede Davy Crockett shirt.

Hottest and ass-kickingest Jesus ever!

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5 Responses to “I believe in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter”

  1. matt says:

    The power of Christ IMPALES you! I must watch this movie.

  2. kelly says:

    Yes, yes you do.

    Somewhere in some alternate universe, you and me and Our Gang made this movie.

  3. kormantic says:

    I was looking for a new catchphrase – “Body of Christ!” just may be it!

  4. kormantic says:

    Sadly, I still have not seen this film.

    Are you coming to the states any time soon? YOu could stop by!

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