And the Emmy goes to…
Fastlane is a show about three cops.
(1) Van, an undercover cop who hates lying and grew up helping his dad forge currency and bonds, and who is played by Carlisle from Twilight, (2) Deaq, an undercover cop who used to be in a gang until he turned his life around, played by Bill Bellamy, and (3) Billie, their hard-ass boss who loves fast cars and low-cut shirts and used to be addicted to heroin, played by Tiffani Thiessen.
Billie had a great idea, clearly stolen from The Fast and the Furious: with the cars, money, jewelry, drugs, motorcycles, etc. that undercover operations in L.A. confiscate, she’d create two high-rolling fake criminals, cops who never break cover and take down only the most dangerous (translation: sexiest and weirdest) criminals. She decided, in a true moment of professionalism (there are a lot of those on the show), to name their headquarters “the Candy Store.”
Let me tell you about the moment I fell in love with Fastlane. In the first episode, Van has to sleep with a beautiful criminal to shore up his cover. She’s spouting cheesy lines like “One of these days, I’m going to go far away from here. No more lies or games. The woman I’ll appear to be will be exactly the woman I am. And that’s the woman I want to be tonight.” And then this ridiculous conversation starts being intercut with a scene of them having sex. And it’s great sex! It looks fun and sexy, it’s creatively staged, both parties seem to be having a great time…and then out of nowhere, it pans down…
And they’re having sex on a pile of hundred dollar bills.
It’s also a show of truly improbable shirtlessness. And I don’t just mean there’s a lot of it. I mean there’s a lot of it in really unexpected ways. In the first episode, Van is wearing a cozy zip-up sweater (with leather pants, of course; a special feature interview on the DVD confirms, as I suspected, that he’s going commando). Then he pulls off the sweater and he’s got nothing underneath! Who doesn’t even wear an undershirt under a cozy sweater?
Then there’s the time he’s wearing a jacket open in the front with no shirt underneath. Strange already, but then he has to jump into a swimming pool to rescue a drowning man, and he rips the jacket off. Underneath is–a shoulder holster! On his bare shoulders! And he doesn’t even take it off before jumping into the pool. Van, your guns are getting wet. Yes, the holster is holding more than one of them.
And did I mention the explosions? Explosions everywhere! This show won an Emmy, did you know that? An Emmy for stunt coordination. The episode was called “Asslane,” and it was about Van and Billie having to go undercover as porn stars. I mean, it deserved the Emmy! The opening sequence features dirt bikes, a portable meth lab (which explodes after a really great shot of a guy catching fire), and, get this, a low-flying helicopter! A low-flying helicopter on network TV! But I still enjoy imagining the presenter saying, “And the Emmy goes to the Fastlane episode, ‘Asslane.’”
But what really makes the show work is that it’s my favorite thing in the world: an over-the-top, funny fantasy world with really believable, heartbreaking characters (I don’t think it’s a coincidence that one of the showrunners works on Gossip Girl). Van, Deaq and Billie each have really consistent, well-drawn histories, perspectives, problems, and strengths that lead to convincing obstacles in their cases, wrenching disagreements between team members, and uplifting breakthroughs.
And almost every episode has a moment when shit gets real: you’re going merrily along with exploding cars, diamond-and-fur theme parties, and wacky hijinks, and then suddenly BAM! out of nowhere, something awful happens and you realize: no, this is real, there are real stakes and consequences and things could go (will go, have gone) horribly, horribly wrong.
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“Truly improbable shirtlessness” is my new favourite phrase.
I remember seeing ads for this on TV and absolutely planning to watch it, but somehow, I never got around to it.
Thank goodness there’s still time!
It’s never too late! Seriously, you won’t regret it.
She decided, in a true moment of professionalism (there are a lot of those on the show), to name their headquarters “the Candy Store.”
You have convinced me. I haven’t even seen it yet and I already know that this show is my fave EV!
It’s basically EXACTLY like I’ve described it. I’m not exaggerating or anything. Also the Candy Store is amazing-looking.
Angeline, we got a bunch of Amazon Gift Certificates and they are definitely going to this. We played a lot of Twilight: Scene It and we loved when “Carlisle” would invite us to enjoy the next “clip” in such a crisply enunciated way. Oh Van/Carlile! I look forward to you and your scantily clad pals!
Also, I like how Billie and Deaq are all hard and polished in the picture above, and Van’s all grubby looking like he woke up in the bathtub.
Awww! Probably after having sex with Ke$ha!
Seriously, the low point of the poor guy’s career has to be when he agreed to narrate “Twilight Scene It.” Every line reading makes it sound like he’s just trying to get through the day so he can drink himself to sleep.
In other news, I am REALLY GOOD AT “TWILIGHT SCENE IT.”
He totally is, you guys. It’s kind of hilarous.
Whatever, I’m sure he laughed all the way to the bank. And I disagree with your interpretation of his line readings, I thought he was giving it 110%! He kept chuckling dirtily for no reason, too. And I love that he has a funny Carlisle voice. Like, is it supposed to sound like he used to have an English accent? Why are all his l’s soft? SO MYSTERIOUS.
Sadly, it turned out I am REALLY BAD at Twilight: Scene It, even though I love the movies…I can totally do that photo rearrangement thing though, and even though me and Sonia got an equal number of things right on the “Read Minds” thing, Peter Facinelli told me I got 3 out of 5 in a much more encouraging way that he told her, so it’s *like* I won…
I have learned that if you answer “Billy Black” to all of the questions, you will win at least 60% of the time. THIS IS MY SECRET.
OMG me and Sonia bought “Twilight:Scene It” because they were on sale for $2 at Barnes & Noble and we were so excited that he “hosted” it! Also he made a lot of stuff sound really inappropriately dirty.