Amish people don’t have these problems
Oh my god, man, is there anything better than horror movies from the 70s?
They’re always so fucked up and cerebral, like they’re trying to alter your brain chemistry, and I don’t even know why. (Something about acid and Vietnam..?) All I know is, although I haven’t seen every single 70s horror movie, every single one I’ve seen has been creepy, dark and mental.
Take Demon Seed, for example.
It begins with a scientist: an arrogant, egomaniacal scientist of the sort who drives a space-age automobile and lives in a silly, computerized techno-mansion. This dude is Jean-Luc Picard with a drinking problem. He’s Diabolik without the whimsical sense of humour. He’s Pee-Wee Herman without the Mr. T cereal.
He (Alex) and his wife (Susan) are separating in the wake of the death of their child, and for reasons which are never remotely explained, he’s going to live at The Lab till she finds another place, leaving her free to keep treating mentally disturbed children in the freaky-deaky robot house.
(Should’ve stayed at the Holiday Inn Express, lady. For oh, so many reasons.)
It’s business as usual for Susan, but Alex has run into a bit of a snag: gifted with reason as its only “emotion,” his bitchin’ computer (Proteus) does not think it is rad to mine the ocean’s floor at the cost of thousands of sea species, and also, it’s kind of pissed about being trapped in its box. It wants its own terminal, at least, so it can continue its studies independently.
“Ha ha!” says Alex. “Hardy-har and then ho ho!” He compliments Proteus on its awesome sense of humour (even though the computer doesn’t have one,) and then, he fucks off back to his office to keep eating buffalo wings and watching McMillan and Wife.
It’s just. I mean. Why would you do that? Why would you sass a sophisticated AI that’s designed to be way, way smarter than everyone else combined and has access to basically everything in the entire world except for your dumb ass?
Perhaps more importantly, why would you do that and not take steps to remove the terminal you’re keeping in the secret lab in your spooky electro-home?
Dude, why did you ever have that terminal in your secret lab in the first place?
While the world sleeps, Proteus sets up shop at the house, taking control of the its many computerized systems, and constructing a massive iron Rubik’s Snake as its first “body.”
No, really.
That’s right, I said it: first body.
See, Proteus wants experience as well as knowledge, and ain’t no way a gigantic Rubik’s Snake is getting backstage at an Aerosmith concert. It has no choice but to imprison Susan in the house and use the electro-home’s secrets to terrorize her till she agrees to carry its logic baby, through which it will somehow reincarnate as human and experience the goddamn richness of life.
(A certain amount of hand-waving goes into the explanation of how a computer can have DNA, but at least they tried.)
Pretty much every single thing that happens after this point is at least a little bit messed up. Proteus sticks a giant needle through Susan’s skull to alter her brain waves so she’ll be more cooperative; in the course of running experiments on her physiology, it sees the need to tie her up and cut all her clothes off; of all possible ways it could’ve impregnated her, it uses what appears to be a giant scoping robot dink.
You get here and you think, Dean Koontz wrote this? Like, Dean Koontz?
You bet your ass, baby.
As Susan, Julie Christie is onscreen probably 95% of the time, and she does have a few scenes with other actors–Alex, a patient, a friend–but for the most part, it’s just a lady in a room, arguing with a disembodied voice. And yet, somehow, it’s pretty much the only thing about this movie that’s not ridiculous; she and Robert Vaughn (as Proteus) are just that good.
Not good enough to salvage the movie, mind you, but come on.
Any one of its many silly plot developments would’ve been enough to make the whole thing for me, but the hits keep on coming: Susan is menaced by a slow-moving wheelchair with a robot arm attached to it, for example, and Proteus keeps Susan entertained during the inexplicably lengthy fertilization process by taking her to the laser Floyd… of the human mind!
Everybody loves rapin'.
What really sells this movie is the Miracle-Gro logic baby, though. I am not capping that shit for you, and also I forbid you to Google it or look it up on YouTube. The ending is fucking amazing regardless of how you see it, I’m sure, but if you sit through the movie first, it serves as the hilarious punchline to the most elaborate joke you’ve ever heard.
So: Demon Seed. It has nothing to do with demons. It has nothing to do with seed. It has everything to do with brutalizing, dominating and exploiting independent women who really have no business doing anything in this world but making babies and kowtowing to men, their obvious superiors–even when they’re rockin’ a robot wiener.
Well, and putting Disco Godfather to work in your secret government lab with no explanation.
Holla.
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I’m pretty sure I saw this movie at your house with you.
I liked it! Robohouses: never a good idea. When will society learn??
Half past never, apparently.
Of course the truly sad thing is nobody ever says to the scientist “For someone so smart, you can be really stupid.”
I mean, that’s like a trope or something, isn’t it?
You had me at ‘robot weiner’.
Once that wiener makes its appearance, you have to stop pretending you’re not watching straight-up exploitation. This computer has managed to manufacture DNA for itself and alter her brain waves but it can’t think of a less invasive way to get her pregnant?
Christ almighty.