Bottom line: PJ Jones is funny

Really, that’s what it boils down to. The Vampire Handbook and Other Useful Rules and Regulations for Adapting to the Immortal Lifestyle is Jones’s latest offering. It’s a short read (about 6,000 words) guaranteed to brighten your otherwise gloomy, suck-filled life.

It covers many things you may not have thought about while considering your lifestyle change to vampirism. For example: if you want bigger boobs, you should take care of that now. You can’t get plastic surgery once you’re undead, and the undead tend to shun (and/or kill) their less attractive peers. It also covers rules for fitting in to society, dealing with other immortals, and dietary restrictions.

If you’re more interested in becoming a were-thing or shape-shifter, the first bonus read of The Vampire Handbook can get you on your way. Rule #1- Don’t be a pussy. This information covered in that paragraph alone is worth the purchase. Rule #5- Do not eat your veterinarian. The doctor cannot give you vaccines if he or she is being digested by you.

The second bonus read is for zombies. This is, of course, assuming that anyone would decide to become a zombie when they’re the ‘pee-pee kid’ of the immortal world. Rule #4 is my favorite- choose your meals carefully. It is important that you don’t eat stupid people if there is a more substantial brain being offered.

There are tips throughout for how to be kind to the earth while being immortal. This is extremely important for vampires because they have to the potential for a giant carbon footprint. And no one is above recycling corpses- even the stupid zombies.

The humor doesn’t end with the undead. Reality stars and philandering politicians are also skewered in this clever parody.

There are sample chapters of Jones’s Romance Novel included, in case you haven’t followed my suggestion and read it already.

The Vampire Handbook and Other Useful Rules and Regulations for Adapting to the Immortal Lifestyle is available in Kindle edition now for 99 cents. A print edition will be available in a few weeks. Enjoy!


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Penni Jones is the author of The Utopia of Noah Lazarus. She spends her days chasing preschoolers (her own children, not random preschoolers) and spends her nights reading and writing until she passes out from exhaustion and red wine.

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6 Responses to “Bottom line: PJ Jones is funny”

  1. kormantic says:

    One should always do the groundwork and research before committing to an afterlife, I think.

    I think were-panther vampire would suit me.

  2. PJ Jones says:

    Whoa, Penni, thanks! Yeah, those poor pee pee zombies. It’s not their fault. Rigor Mortis addles their brains.

    I’m flattered and humbled. As a ‘thank you’ to my readers, I also have a free short parody, Naughty Little Schnitzel, out on Smashwords. PJ

  3. penni says:

    I wouldn’t want to be one of those inbred True Blood were-panthers, though. They’re a little grody.

    I have Schnitzel on my Kindle. Gonna read it when I finish what I’m reading now.

  4. PJ Jones says:

    Yeah, those were-things are a little low class. And they shed all over the furniture, too. Durned flea bags!

    Schnitzel is a little crude, but you probably suspected it would be. Thanks again, Penni!

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